


Evil is Not a Shout, But a Whisper

by celestial_writing



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Abuse, Autistic Peter Parker, Autistic Tony Stark, Bisexual Peter Parker, Bisexual Tony Stark, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt Peter Parker, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Other, Peter Parker is a Mess, Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Protective Tony Stark, Slow Burn, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-01-22 11:17:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21301172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestial_writing/pseuds/celestial_writing
Summary: You only know you're being abused when someone pokes a hole in your cell and you see what's outside.-"Life was good – is good – or something like that. I make the mistakes not her or anyone else, it’s all me and so I deserve the result. I shout and she tells me off for it. Yes, it was too loud for me but that doesn’t mean I should respond the way I did."-I'm giving up with this project, I've uploaded the rest of what I wrote at the time, but I won't be writing this anymore. Sorry for those who enjoyed it and might have wanted more.
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 77





	1. Life Changing

Life was good – is good – or something like that. I make the mistakes not her or anyone else, it’s all me and so I deserve the result. I shout and she tells me off for it. Yes, it was too loud for me but that doesn’t mean I should respond the way I did.

Flash’s a dick but it’s better him being a dick to me than anyone else. I can handle the punches and the names; with the things I do at home I deserve what he does. In class, I’m Penis Parker and that’s okay when I shout, scream, kick, hit, and whatever else I do when I’m like _that._ None of it is fun and I get tired but it’s all okay, it’s all life. Other kids wouldn’t do what I do. They’re good and love their families and eat meals together and whatever else you’re meant to do with family.

Being Spider-man doesn’t help too much, I mean, what the hell do I say to May? “I’ll be out ‘till midnight punching bad guys!” No, of course not I’m just with Ned.

Sometimes I do this thing, I don’t know if others notice, and it’s pretty weird. I move my hand. See, that sounds normal, but you don’t do what I do; you don’t flap when you panic. You don’t hit things when you panic. You probably breathe funny then someone says how it’s okay and there you go a few minutes or more later you’re all okay. You’re probably not crying under your kitchen table nursing a hand and getting on your neighbours’ nerves for shouting for no good reason. God, I sound like a freak. What else could I be, though?

Dreams are and not the night ones, they’re quite normal. It’s like – I really want to do this thing that I never will, but I’ll keep up a perpetual hope for it just in case for a miracle. But for me, a screw up, mine happened or it got very close to happening. And, no, it wasn’t being Spider-man; that shouldn’t be a dream. I met Tony Start and offered me to fight Steve Rogers with him. A bit crazy; probably should have insisted no but here I am. It ended with an ‘internship’ then an actual internship. A Stark intern. Me.

Ned thought that it was awesome. So, did I.

One thing I’ve noted about people who are generally freaks to society is that they have a life changing realisation moment where they know why they are the freak that they are. Mine was a sleepover with Ned and we were watching a film about this autistic guy – it took three words to crumble a façade I didn’t know I was holding up. I lost my breath and begged my mind not to panic like I do, or May will argue with me tomorrow.

“He’s like you.” Ned said drabbing a handful of popcorn.

I turned to him, “What do you mean I’m like him?”

“Don’t know maybe you could be autistic, maybe that’s why you think you’re different.”

“But…” I started to say but the words fizzled out somewhere in my throat.

“What?”

“I-I don’t know, I just, it couldn’t just be _that _simple could it?” I said with Ned pausing the film to look at Peter but not getting eye contact back.

“Dude, I’m no doctor but you are so similar to him, so, maybe it is.”

After spending less than a minute googling autism symptoms, I have never been so sure in my life. That’s me. Most of it was geared towards children and parents of small children but it still made so much more sense and the clouds had been lifted from my eyes. Even the weird thing I do where I just repeat people rather than answer then has a goddamn name. Hot, burning tears began to develop in my eyes.

“This makes so much sense, that’s me, dude, that’s me!”

“Are you okay?” Ned said.

But the explanation isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, it explains why I’m a social outcast and everybody probably hates me. I’m autistic. My thoughts about my own world are clearer and the rest of the world now has a red tinge to, and I doubt it’s going away anytime soon. But why would anyone like me that much I can barely communicate on a good day and now I know it’s definitely my fault. There’s no doubt, not in my mind and neither in May’s.

My fault, my responsibility, my punishment. And that’s okay, after all, why wouldn’t it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work is extremely personal to me so I just hope I can do my own story justice.


	2. How Can You Be Like Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter tries to tell Tony that he thinks he might be autistic.

I told May. She said she knows. She fucking knows and has known for the last six years. She has wanted a diagnosis for years but can’t afford it. I don’t even know what to think anymore. This world lies to me and treats me like I was the one to lie. I feel weird and empty now though and I’m rambling, and I don’t know why anymore.

Turns out when I panic, I’m having a meltdown from a sensory overload usually. There is a reason for all of this, and I don’t even know what to do. I’m thinking about telling Mr. Stark but it’s not his responsibility to deal with any of this. And how would he react anyways? I think he would be okay with it, I mean he’s okay with me generally being weird, so I should do it. I’m being picked up by Happy – it’s Friday – so I’ll tell Mr Stark then. This will all be okay.

“Hey, kid, good day?” Happy asked through the open car window.

My bad hit the floor with a thud, “Yeah, erm, do you know what me and Tony are doing today?”

“No, sorry,” Happy said and even I could sense to worry, “Why?”

“Oh, just wondering.”

The car started, “Alright, kid.”

I opened my notes app and started to scribble down idea of how to start the conversation, what to actually say, somehow guess his reaction, and about fifty other things. Why did I have to be weird? Other normal kids never have to think about this they just walk through life and stare down on those like me who can’t act normal – then hate me for it. It makes no sense, but the world never has made too much sense to me.

The New York skyline has always been just relaxing to stare at; it looks like it’s designed to look at and follow the shapes. Little shops owned by families or couples next to chains scattered nationally or globally. It’s a different world squeezed into a single city. When other people talk about New York they talk about a small or the people or the dirt but it’s the character of this place – anyone can recognise garbage from New York or it’s skyline. The blinding lights of the city have always enraptured me despite the pain at the front of my skull.

“We’re here, kid, and don’t forget your bag.” Happy said the car coming to a halt.

I got out and said my goodbyes as I wandered in through the imposing glass doors. The lobby’s always loud but not the kind of loud where you have to shout to your friend – the kind of loud that makes your brain feel like it’s bleeding and imploding on itself – but that’s not normal, May always says it’s not loud so I guess it’s just me being weird. I know it’s not really loud I just complain more than everyone else. So, my fault again, I guess.

“Welcome, Peter, would you like to inform Mr Stark that you are here?” FRIDAY asked when I managed to reach the elevator past the wall of noise.

“Yes, and is he in the labs?”

“Yes, Peter, I’ll take you up.”

I smiled in thanks, not that I really need to, she is an AI, good one though with more humanity than most. When you get to the floor with the labs on it’s not hard to find him you just follow the ACDC and then Tony appears soon after. I want to like his music, I do like it, but speakers have this odd undertone to them and it’s a bit like if noise and vibrations were running knives along your ears slowly. Bit gory but there’s not many other ways to describe the pain too well. When I first came here after the Civil War the labs were the coolest and the training area was a close second, over the summer I went to _the Avengers Compound _which I think is one of my greatest achievements and experiences ever. I did go after Home Coming but I didn’t spend any time there like I did in summer. The tower was still great though.

The music lowered as I walked in, “Hey, Peter, I’ve been meaning to ask you about a new suit and web shooter idea, and we can work on it over the weekend.”

“Wait, really?” I asked (quite close to shouting I soon realised), almost forgetting about telling him about me maybe being autistic.

“Yeah, kid, you’ve just got to ask your Aunt about staying here.”

The desk he was sitting at had a hologram of a new suit. It still had the classic red and blue but the fabric was part vibranium and part of what my normal suit is made of. The eyes we’re bigger – only a bit – and it didn’t look right but I can change that.

“So, will you call –“

“I don’t like calls, texting’s better.” I said too focused to know I cut him off.

“Okay, kid.”

We began to work on the suit, and I said how the eyes we’re different and it was to improve some targeting tech so a certain type of web. I’m not too sure weather I’m sure on the new suit if the eyes can’t be changed but hopefully no one else will notice how it’s off. Afterall I don’t see the suit, I wear it. Sometimes, he mumbles when he works and I can never tell if it’s supposed to be English or Italian or, somehow, both but it’s good for both of our focus.

Mr Stark turned to me with a slightly blank, slightly concerned look, “Are you okay, Peter?”

“I’m fine, I think, I just – I wanted to tell you something or ask you, I guess.” He raised his eyebrows at that.

“Well you can ask or tell me anything, but there’s somethings you probably shouldn’t tell me.” He chuckled.

“Okay, don’t really get the last bit but I get the first bit, so,” I started but my breath got caught somewhere in my lungs or throat, “I was watching a film with Ned, my friend, and in the film there was this gut and he was like – Ned was like – ‘you are just like him, dude’.”

“Okay, that’s good, I think unless he was the villain.” Tony said starting to get back to his work.

“No, sorry, I – I didn’t explain this guy – this guy he was autistic.”

Tony must have let out a breath because there was heavier breathing coming from him, “Thank god for that, I thought I was mentoring a serial killer of something!” He joked.

“But he was autistic, and Ned said I’m like him, then we looked up the symptoms of it and I have a hell of a lot of them.” I said but I don’t think he’s understanding – I could be autistic and he’s just making a joke around it – do I need to explain more or something?

Tony stood up and placed a hand on my right shoulder and smiled, “It’s okay, kid, I’m autistic too – no one likes it too much do they?”

My world shattered. This man, the Tony Stark, famous and successful and one is the greatest role models in the world is autistic. Him. That man standing in front of me who let me fight Steve goddamn Rogers and saved the world and gives to charity and is just insanely cool. Is autistic.

“What?” I aid barely above a whisper.

He continued with his work but said, “Not many know about it, not all of the Avengers do, Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy do though – so welcome to the ‘Wait, Tony Stark is Autistic’ Club.” He said with a reassuring grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really fun to write, so I hope you enjoy reading it as I did writing it.
> 
> Also, in the next few chapters you will see an evil (I guess) Aunt May, which I love her, but I wanted to write this storyline so she had to be the way she is in this.


	3. This is All Fine, you are Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony talks more to Peter about his experiences as an autistic man.

I didn’t know life could change so much so quickly. I’m not weird, well I kind of am but in a good way. After Tony assured me it was okay to be me and that he’s like me it’s like a door in my mind opened and I can see though it and I can see my life, my future, and it’s good. We went into the communal area to binge Star Wars after I told him, and we edited the suit a bit. It’s the weirdest thing being misunderstood your whole life only to find someone and they’re like you and they get it. But it’s good.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you find out you were autistic?” I asked when he came back from getting snacks.

“I don’t know too well, I was always… different, I think, from when I was born and most people thought it was because I’m this rich kid who’s smarter than everyone – so, in a psych class when autism was taught about, I got a pretty big surprise.” He explained as if only finding the words for the first time.

“Wait, you didn’t know either?”

He gave a short laugh, “No, not at all, I was in the library all that night looking up on it then I came back to my room and told Rhodey and he was like ‘no, shit!’ and that was it; when I told my dad though, that’s when it got bad, my dad wasn’t a good dad to say the least.” He stopped when he began to stumble on his words and the next film began. Tony kept breathing heavily for a while after, he’s panicking but I don’t want to bother him I don’t want to make it worse for him. I hate it when other people are in pain as I never know what to do but I know I need to do something and there’s this strange ghostly pain in the centre of my chest and it’s begging to be set free but it can’t until I help. Which is the impossible. But I can learn to help or maybe it’s more of a talent rather than a skill.

Tony tapped on my arm and said, “You okay kid, you look like you’re panicking a bit?”

“Yeah, I’m not good with people how can I, like, be better at that?” I ask avoiding eye contact but that’s important so now I’m switching between eye contact and no eye contact.

“I know all this’s is hard but it can get easier to understand you just have to look into it all a bit,” He said with that same reassuring smile, “Like eye contact isn’t nearly as important as I can tell you think it is right now – just a few seconds and people tend to forget that you’re not holding it because I’ve not been holding it that much and you or anyone has ever really said that I don’t do eye contact, even though I don’t ‘cause I hate it.”

“Thank you, Mr Stark, that – that’s really helpful, thank you.”

“Don’t sweat it, kid, but this movie’s not going to watch itself.” He laughed and it cut through the fog of my anxiety.

Every time I watch Star Wars, I forget how good it was and I notice so much and piece together little theories about it. I mentioned this to Tony when watching it and he said that he does it with the movies he likes and always has. Telling him was probably the best decision I’ve made in a hell of a long time and I still have the entire weekend ahead of me. The movie became foggy once I started to drift off into sleep, falling asleep is one if the best and simultaneously the worst feelings in the world as you’re on the knives edge of serenity but I’m also slowly leaning more and more against Tony as I sleep which isn’t a good idea. He’s Tony Stark.

I willed myself up and mumbled: “I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Are you, but can you even make it to the elevator?” He asked.

“Course I can, Mr Stark.” I said only to sink onto the floor by the sofa, “Okay, maybe not then.”

He laughed and then lifted me onto my feet promising to help me to my room. He isn’t like how anyone knows him to be, especially after today, and I get to see this domestic side of him, almost a year ago he came to mine and May’s apartment and said about an internship and now I have ne and he’s mentoring me and giving me tips about finding out I’m autistic. However, this will probably blow up in my face if the ‘friendships’ I had as a kid are anything to go on.

Next thing I knew it was 10AM and FRIDAY was waking me up because Tony made me breakfast.

“Peter, Mr Stark requests your immediate presence for pancakes.” FRIDAY said lulling me from my sleep.

“Are they _that_ important FRI?” I said sending a yawn into the air.

“I’m just the messenger, Peter.” She said and for an AI she could be quite funny, and Tony was often surprised at what she could learn.

“Hey Mr Stark, I can smell the extremely important pancakes – they’re good.” I joked walking into the communal room again this weekend.

“Don’t underestimate pancakes, Peter, they could save you life one day!” He said and a well needed laugh ruptured from me causing a chain reaction and we were on the floor when Pepper arrived.

Walking past the counter and to us on the floor in a ball of laughter and giggles, “Was this all to do with pancakes?”

“I don’t even know why we’re laughing it wasn’t even that funny.” Tony managed to get out between laughs.

“Oh god, my chest hurts now,” I said looking at them both only for a second round to commence.

Altogether a good start to the weekend and probably the biggest turn around in anxiety ever; I’m okay with that though because he’s good and I’m okay. I’m me and I’m fine.

I don’t think I’ve ever said that before.


	4. Normality is a Myth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some of Tony helping Peter more.

The next days went past and being understood after a life of being the permanent one odd is probably the best feelings ever but at the same time it feels kind of fake with how good it is. I don’t like that, obviously, and Tony said he felt similar for years and he overlooked it because he now had a reason why people didn’t understand him.

The diagnosis. It’s the final piece of the puzzle or – in some cases – just the first. Hearing Tony talk about his diagnosis changed my opinion of them a bit; he cried, and they patronised him and he was an adult. That’s the part he got patronised and talked down like a kid and he’s an adult and was then. I don’t think it ends any of this and who knows maybe it’ll always be shit even if it’s just a little bit. I wonder what life is, if it’s always even a little bit shit, it could be some sort of destiny or mother nature accidently made the worst species self-aware. It would be us. That’s human nature after all: be shit to everything else before they can be shit to you.

I walked into the lab expecting Tony but getting an influx of bots and plans laid out on countless desks. “FRIDAY, where’s Mr Stark?”

“Boss is upstairs, shall I call him for you?” She said.

I had work I needed to do anyways. Having a real internship will forever be one of the most unreal real things in my life and that it started from Spider-Man. “Oh, no, that’s okay FRIDAY.”

Over the past days I’ve read so much on autism, symptoms, childhood autism, and common habits of autistic people and I’ve never read a description so much like me in the world cause it’s just me and it explains so much from when I was a kid – when I was about four or five years old I went to a New Years party and people cheered when it got to midnight and the pain from that noise was insane, you don’t know the meaning of ear-splitting until you have sensitive senses. Hyper focus is something I’ve read on with autism – but also ADHD which is interesting – and it describes why I love engineering and science so much and spend time watching so much Star Wars when I could watch anything else in the world. It’s like your brain has two modes of ‘the most interesting thing in the world’ and ‘I hate this, it’s so boring’ but I think I’m alone of this one though.

My life makes so much more sense now and my actions have meaning and can actually be understood in the world. I’m not some weirdo freak who everyone hates or hides that they hate me (they probably still do cause society’s shit) and if I find the right group of people, I can be normal. Just Peter. Not Penis Parker that guy who can’t talk to people properly and with one friend in sixteen years. I can be normal and the average in a group of people.

“Hey Pete, I had to do some SI stuff that’s ‘important’.” Tony said with air quotes. He had managed to walk in while I was having my internal monologue assessing society, or just bitching a little bit, you choose.

“It’s fine, Mr Stark I wasn’t doing much anyways I was just kinda thinking of things.” I said still in a ramble.

He walked to sit on the opposite side of my desk, “What kind of stuff?”

“Just how… it feels like I’m more of a person now that I know there’s an explanation to me, I guess, but how the way I’ treated is staying the same unless I change rather than people treating me better – it’s just a bit shit thinking that my life will stay pretty much the same.” He gave a sad smile to that as if agreeing but also wanting to give some sort of dad pep talk where life will improve as I get older.

“Oh I know, I found it getting a hell of a lot better in my 20s but I was also the CEO of one of the biggest weapons companies,” He chuckled trying to break the silence somewhat, “But, you have to learn about socialising or the world turns into vultures (as if the world isn’t bad enough already) and I don’t like that that’s the way but it is, Peter, and we have to bear it.”

“So, life’s completely unfair because are brains are different.” I said feeling worse than before.

“Yeah, and I hate to say this buddy but we’re luckier than other autistic people: we’re men and geniuses so we get respect from people from that, I mean look at Einstein there’s a theory that he was autistic.”

“Wait, really?” I said grinning at him. “That’s so cool, I’m like Einstein, but if all autistic people aren’t geniuses why are the only famous autistic people geniuses?”

“Look at it this way we’re not going to be famous for socialising!” He said lightening the frankly depressing mood I have, “You’re laughing but you know how true it is.”

He’s always been good at making me feel better like he has some mythical power to know exactly what to say to any person at any time to instantly improve their mood. God knows how he learnt to do it. I should ask him at some point how to improve at looking more normal and handling it so I don’t get burnt out – I’ve probably been burnt out since birth though and I think it’s the cause of the constant stress and tiredness I feel.


	5. The Darkness Unveiled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part of the explanation to Peter's feelings.

It’s sad that the weekend’s over now but my veins are now made of sugar from pancakes that Tony’s surprisingly good at making for a man who said he didn’t cook a meal until his mid-twenties. But that’s the thing with Tony that he seems to pick things up really well or he seems to when I’m good at the things I like and only them. Autism for every person is so unique but we share so many of the same struggles so we can’t be that different. But we’re so different. I’m lucky in a way with how similar me and Tony are, we can relate to each other and he can help me a lot with what helped him.

It’s a bit of a whirlwind memory going back home but I can remember Tony saying his goodbyes then Happy then I’m outside my apartment door with my bag and newfound knowledge I didn’t think I would ever need.

“Hello, Peter, did you enjoy the weekend with Stark?” May said emerging from the kitchen to the hall.

“Oh, it was great, he told me… that we could work on a new suit and I love the new design so much, but the eyes were bothering me they were too big than normal for this tech – “

She cut me off with a sharp tone, “So it didn’t matter?”

“No, I guess not.” I said making her walk back into the kitchen to make dinner.

I could smell it was a curry from here and with my senses I’ve always hated spicy food like why would you enjoy the taste of pain? I’ve always liked Italian though but that’s probably cause most of it is the some of the plainest food on the planet.

“I don’t like curry, May, they’re always spicy.” I said feeling the sigh from the other room.

“We don’t have anything else in and this isn’t a spicy one.” She said to me in a tone I recognise but have never been able to place.

I sat down keeping her in the corner of my eye, “But they’re always spicy and I can smell it’s spicy.”

“This one isn’t and even if you think it is, you’ll just have to live through it.”

“Um, okay then.” I said while she dished it up leaving me to have to cover my nose from the stench of it.

I began to eat it despite my body’s protests to the meal. Having hated food is one of the worst feelings especially like this as I can’t control it I just have to eat hell in a meal where my throat and tongue are shrivelling up at the small and taste of the food but I can’t stop of May’ll complain at me. Tony didn’t do this. I don’t think he ever would but it’s probably because he’s autistic too. That’ll be it. The more I smell it the more my eyes water until at the last mouthful I’m practically crying but I can still sense May’s reaction through my blurred eyesight of tears.

Once I ate it all I don’t think I’ve cleaned a plate as quickly as that so the smell would be somewhat muffled by my door and the general stench that has forever clung to the walls of our house. This is weird, I didn’t think anyone could become homesick with a place that isn’t their home, but May doesn’t usually act like this she’ll just be in a bad mood from work, maybe she had a plan, and someone bailed. I don’t know but this doesn’t feel normal or maybe it’s half normal and some factor is different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This seems to be gaining a fair amount of support which means a lot, so thank you for reading and giving kudos.


	6. You Know I want the Best, So Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of May and Peter's reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting for over a month, I had a lot going on in life.
> 
> Thank you for the kudos, comments, and hits - means a hell of a lot to me.

Last night was weird from May but school will be normal, but I’ll have to deal with Flash. That is normal though. Shit but normal. I can remember the halls of school easier than other people did when we first came here but I told Ned my method from memorising the layouts of places and he didn’t get it but if it worked, it worked. It’s like a mental map but also a flow chart. If I see this poster, I know I’m just around the corner from my biology room and stuff like that, but I can step through it in my mind. Maybe it is a bit weird thinking about it.

“Hey, man, how was your weekend?” Ned asked coming up from behind me.

“Oh, it was great!” I said beginning a rant about labs and Tony, “So, I told May but she already knew which bummed me out like she could have told me and I told Tony too and he was a lot more cool with it than I expected.”

“Why did she keep it from you?”

“No idea but probably something around that it was for my own good.” I said, my smile from the previous topic falling, “Tony was really good about it though and he’s just helps which is nice of him.”

A sudden shrill sound of the bell rang through my ears causing a flinch, but we walked anyways, “I still can’t believe you know Tony Stark, man.” He said walking into the classroom.”

“We all know that’s a lie, Penis.” Flash said from the back of the room – me and Ned rolling our eyes at the comment in sync. “Penis’ just a lonely orphan and the only possible way he could know Tony Stark is pure pity.”

“He’s got an internship at SI, Flash, what do you have?” Ned said from his desk next to me.

“Oh, for sure!”

Our teacher walked in – helpfully just after the bullying – and she began to drone on about homework and timetables and quizzes. I usually pay a lot of attention, but I learn more about this stuff with Tony than in the classroom, so it’s been dropping but my grades are good, so no teacher ever says anything.

Most days pass quickly now, more focused on Spider-Man than school. Not good, I’m aware. I ride the subway back and get straight to my suit to just feel the air against me. The swinging is good for thinking but more recently thinking isn’t as good as normal. It’s pain mostly but emotionally, like the mind’s seized by it and I can’t let go of it at all. I need to move to get rid of the feeling before it infects my whole body and I just feel like screaming it away. It’s scary but once it’s over I wonder what the hell just happened but strangely a sense of calm washes over my body and it’s all over. Until it starts gain in a few hours. What do I tell people though, it’s not normal and there’s not much that makes sense about it? The emotion is the part that get’s me though as it feels the same as when May would shout at me for being bad despite just saying how something is loud and painful.

Less focus on yourself Peter, there’s a mugging, I tell myself hoping that it can maybe help.

A few punches, quips, and kicks and she’s fine. It’s like a rhythm from there until I return home to May sitting alone on the sofa. Normally on a Monday night she’s at work until about midnight so I don’t have any idea about this. The way her face is currently is like you crossed an FBI agent with a dash of angry mom and some fairy-tale villain.

“I thought you’d be at work.” I ask taking the mask off.

She turns to me, “I would but I got a call saying how you don’t concentrate and them asking if everything’s okay at home.” It’s not phrased as a question, but I know it is one.

“I learn more with Mr Stark than at school, so I don’t do as much, it’d be a waste of energy.” I explain wondering why it’s even an issue.

“I don’t care if you learn more with _Tony _it’s school.” She says staring into my eyes – the way I hate – “Sweetie, they want to help and most importantly I do too, just concentrate more and everything will be fine.”

“Okay, I guess.”

“No, Peter, no, there is no ‘I guess’ about it you need to promise me, or I can’t trust you at school to do the best you can.” She said getting agitated.

I turned back around to face her this time, “May, it’s fine and my grades are great and that’s from the internship.”

“How can I trust you with an internship when I can’t trust you to do your schoolwork?”

“You can May,” I said, she got like this whenever I did something she didn’t approve of, “You know you can, you’re just being weird about it. Also, the internship is up to Mr Stark and not you.”

“I look after you Peter he doesn’t so it’s my decision.”

I sigh and walk off to my room, over the years of this kind of arguing I’ve learned to ignore it mainly, she’ll be okay in the morning, she always is. It’s puts down my mood but I’m sure she means the best for me. Why wouldn’t she? Her and Ben took me in when I was six and have cared for me so of course she wants the best for me. Tough love, or something.


	7. The Return of Comfort in Human Form

Friday, again, I swear the days keep going quicker and quicker, but I don’t seem to be doing anything with my time. And this is when I’m meant to have the most free time. The concept of adult life is just more stressful the more you think about it – first it’s I need a job to pay for stuff, then you need to manage time, then everything else along with not being tired beyond belief.

New York will always be beautiful to me though with the neon lights in Times Square and towered over by skyscrapers of the most famous companies in the world. A cool glow of twilight slowly gradients into an unnatural gleam of warmth from lights and the conglomerate of people waddling between stores. It’s a jigsaw of glass and metal forming the concrete streets below like a child trying to cram as many toys as possible into their box. No one ever believes a city can have a personality until New York City, were there is yet to be a replacement.

“You never know when we’ve arrived, do you?” Happy joked as the car came to a halt and turning to me.

“Why would I when I can look outside at New York?” I said forming a look of genuine confusion.

He raised an eyebrow, “No idea, this city’s just dull.”

“Oh, that’s wrong and you know it!” I said.

“You’re strange, kid, but in a good way.” He said as we both waved our goodbyes.

I started to make my way up Avengers (but Stark is better) Tower to Tony’s lab. He never told me what we’d be working on this week but there’s always the same rhythm to it every week of Spider-Man upgrades, miscellaneous projects, then food, and it was a great structure for the both of us to keep. The Tower is the perfect representation of New York in one place with the abundance of glass, modern aesthetic, and an old world feel to it. So, it’s also a pretty good representation of Tony too.

“Hey, Mr Stark.” I said the doors sliding open.

He turns to me with a welcoming smile, “Hey, kid, how was your week?”

“Good, but did May talk to you at all?” I said remembering earlier in the past week.

He stops working on his work to put his attention to me only to respond with: “No, was she supposed to?”

“No, course not! I must have misheard something.” I said bur if she threatened why didn’t she say anything at all to him, no warning, no nothing. She meant what she said surely.

“Alright, kid,” He said but his eyebrows were still strung together, “Let’s work on that suit.”

There was a mix of holograms and science terms, but I just couldn’t pay attention to any of it my mind just no cooperating with me at all. I wanted to scream and cry and collapse at the world, but I can’t do a thing, then I’m fine. I hate this I can’t be stable in my mood for even a minute at a time I just have to exist in a weird middle state.

“You alright, Peter, and I don’t want a ‘I’m fine’ because I know you’re not?” He said surprising me a bit.

“I don’t know, the world’s just confusing cause people say things and never pay attention to them and no one’s there, like they’re there but not actually, I don’t know how to say it.” I said giving up with the concept of being judged.

“I get it, the world’s this confusing place that never gives you an insight into the innerworkings, so you just have to guess at it (as if that ever works).” He tried to explain but seemed to lose his point with it.

I went back to my desk to start working on my suit again and said, “It’s okay, I think I’m just tired.”

“You can tell me things; I’m not going to judge you over it.” He said placing a hand on my shoulder.

I just give him a smile, I mean, what’s there even to say? I wouldn’t even know what to say other than everything’s wrong in my mind but there’s no reason for it so I just shouldn’t bother with it at all. And, we are just both back and working on our separate projects ready to continue the night with the food he orders in. I don’t like how time’s passing in my life currently it’s as if I’m watching a film of my life and it’s excruciatingly boring but I’m not leaving, I paid for it. It’s a weird concept but I really don’t know how else I could even explain it to anyone and that’s if they even get me.

“Do you think people get what they deserve, good or bad?” I said filling our silence.

“Not really, shit things happen to good people and the worst of people often have the best luck.” He said with little thought about it, “Can I ask why?”

“Just something Ned said and I was kinda curious too.”

“I wouldn’t trust my opinion too much I’m a mechanic not a philosopher.” He laughed placing his hand on my shoulder again.

“You’re smart though.” I reason with him.

He gives a nod in agreement, “Yeah, but so are you.”

“Not like you though.” I said causing him a look of horror, “What do you mean, you’re smart as hell?”

“Peter Benjamin Parker, with that sentence, you have just offended not only yourself but me too.” He said for even me to recognise the sarcasm layered in his voice.

That caused a burst in laughter from me that I could barely get out my next words disagreeing with him – I’m just a kid and he’s an adult with god knows how many degrees to his name. He started college as a sixteen-year-old, the same age as me, and he says we’re pretty much the same intelligence. But that doesn’t matter he was too stressed at too young of an age for his ‘full potential’. That always seemed like a bit of a myth to me because if you work hard you get better results so I would have thought all of that would be infinite rather than capped. Pretty unfair as well.

The lab session was good, as always, and I was in a better mood. He’s always been good at cheering me up and he keeps the title every time I talk to him which is a lot more now than before. The drive home with Happy was mainly him asking about my night and relaying the same message of trust to me that Tony gave. I love it when they communicate, it’s like they don’t understand that I got the message before, they care though I definitely know that one. Comfort, I suppose, that they do that for.


	8. I Need You to Know Something

I’m starting to think they’re something a bit from or off about mine and May’s relationship recently. Or a long time. I don’t know but everything feels bad and is way too confusing for comfort and Tony should know, he said he wouldn’t judge me, and he wouldn’t about this. I hope he meant in every case not just school stuff or minor things. He could help me, he’s Tony Stark, after all. Would this great wait be lifted from me; would I be able to talk to others? That’s a skill I’ve seemed to lose from this stress surrounding my mind and me. A great consuming force taking over me and sinking into my skin absorbed into my blood until I’m a product of panic and unable to escape the caged contraption of my own mind. Am I screaming at the world or me or my mind or am I even screaming at all?

What is this and what am I feeling? This isn’t normal and people can’t feel like they’re dying from they’re brain and it’s leaking into their life.

I should call him; text him. May can’t know, she’d blame me for this. But it is my fault in a way, I’ve been awkward about everything my entire life like it might be the autism, but it can’t affect me this much, that wouldn’t make sense with the workings of the world. I was doomed at birth to live in this world, a cruel world that punishes me but not really and I just don’t know anything anymore. I always feel like it’s me in this world. Other’s don’t struggle as I do; people live calm lives of calm minds and calm everything. I don’t even know what I’m saying or thinking anymore, it’s just a big mess of thoughts ready to be strung together but they can’t no matter how hard I try. A nightmare wrapped in an illusion.

I’m going to tell him, I have to.

**PP – You said I could tell you anything, did you mean it?**

**TS – Of course, kid, what’s wrong?**

**PP – Everything feels wrong and I don’t know what’s happening and I feel sort of lost in my own head and I don’t know just can you help or do something.**

**TS – Do you want to come over to the tower? We can talk there.**

**PP – Okay.**

I slip on the suit and have never gotten somewhere so fast in my life and I’m at the window with muscle memory serving me. I crawl through and make my way through to the common room where he rushes over to me as I pant – a mix of exhaustion and panic ripping through my chest. My mask is detached from my suit to let me breathe. Tony helping me through the panic attack I barely registered I even had.

“Peter, you need to remember to breathe, kid.” He said in a soothing voice while a hand laid on my chest grounding me.

“I – I know, I didn’t even realise I was panicking, sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise for that, that’s normal, I should know.” He said realising I was calming down, “You okay now?”

“Yeah, thank you, also you’re good at that.” I try to say but I’m still panting enough to block off by breathing and voice.

He walks me over to sit down on a sofa and lets me relax before speaking up again. Turning to me and putting his arm over my shoulder, knowing I still need to be grounded in some form of reality, “With what we talked about before, what did you mean?”

“I don’t really know I just feel strange and like screaming all the time and I keep feeling this really strong emotion then it ends and it’s like I’m stuck in my own mind.” I say feeling him tense up, “I know it makes no sense, but I can’t think of a better way to explain how I feel other than that.”

“God, kid, what’s happened to you?” He asks but I can’t tell if it’s rhetorical. “I’ll get you an appointment with a therapist, I think you need it.”

“I don’t, it’s nothing that bad.” I start to say but he cuts in.

“Pete, what you’re feeling isn’t normal and it’s happened to me too, still does sometimes, you need to speak to someone professional.” He said with more concern than I’ve ever heard.

“It’s not that bad I just panicked it isn’t that bad!” I said beginning to get more agitated, why didn’t he understand that? I should never have talked to him.

I stand back up causing a shock from him, “Kid, can you tell me what led to this?”

“It was nothing, I swear, I just started feeling weird and my head didn’t make any sense at all and I hate it.” I said quicker than he’ll probably understand, “I don’t know why it happened I just started feeling like this.”

“It’s alright you just need to calm down a bit so you can properly try to understand what happened to you, or I can’t do anything.” He said in a low tone.

I started to breathe better, but the exhaustion of this panic began to take its toll on me. My eyelids fell heavy. I felt the darkness of sleep begin to consume me as arms wrapped around me until a pillow appeared under my head and the remaining darkness swept over my head.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter I wrote before moving on from this project. I never finished it or came up with a title, but I thought I'd upload it anyway for people who are interested to see were the story was going.
> 
> I am giving up with this, however I loved writing this and it was an amazing way for me to explore myself as a writer and gain a hell of a lot of confidence in my own writing ability. Thank you all so much for the support, I cannot explain how much of a better place I'm in purely because of this fic (even planning on going to university for creative writing). Again, all I can think to say is thank you. This was amazing.

Waking up in the tower is always an odd experience as the bed’s a hell of a lot comfy than mine at the apartment. It’s a sense of comfort and kind of acceptable fear until I realise, I’m safe at the tower. I gather clothes from the drawers and dress myself so I’m more acceptable, than day old jeans from a weird breakdown, for any potential guests or Avengers.

“Sorry about yesterday. Mr Stark.” I sheepishly blurt out as I walk into the communal area rather than greeting Tony.

He brings his arm around mine and presses me to his side, “Don’t sweat it and, don’t forget, you can talk to me.”

“I know but I feel I can’t if a don’t know why it happened, only that it did, and it was not fun.”

“This kind of stuff is hard – believe me – but learning to trust others can be a massive help,” He said smiling down at me, “I’m proud of you for that, Pete.”

“Really? I didn’t really do much though, I just texted you.”

“Better than suffering alone in your room.” He said, “Also I called May about it and you have the day off, but she seemed worried, if that helps.”

“Oh, right, I forgot to say anything to her.”

“She doesn’t mind I don’t think, and I understand that in that state that’ll be the last thing you can think of.” Tony said returning to the kitchen and bringing out a plate of full English breakfast.


End file.
